The Sparrow Nest

They’ve done it! Researchers have isolated the chemical compounds that turn women on. It a pretty long and detail article, so allow me to summarize.

Scientists have determined that by combining the three key fragrances they are able create the ultimate “Spanish Fly”. Here they are:

• Argulosathane¹
• The smell of money
• New-car smell

I’m signing my wife up to be in the clinical trials.

¹Argulosathane is the substance the male body secretes at the moment it loses an argument with a female. This substance is particularly potent when the male party bases his argument strictly on logic and reality, but the female party wins using vague emotions and flawed logic.

Update 4.26.2006

There has been some confusion about this post. Some people aren’t sure which part of it is a joke.

The article is true. Scientists have created synthetic chemical called PT-141. Impossible as this may seem, PT-141 makes women horny. The article is long and boring for most people, but I enjoyed reading it. A five page article about sex and science? Are you kidding me? I was sportin’ a chubby the whole time. The stuff about the three key fragrances was a joke.

Argulosathane –> not real
PT-141 –> real

This is turning out to be a spectacular Little League season. Here is list of reasons in no particular order:

1. We have a wonderful sponsor…but you know all about them.
2. We have one experienced coach. There are two assistant coaches, me (the village idiot) and another guy.
3. We have one experienced pitcher. This is a problem in Little League because there are all kinds of rules about how much a kid can pitch in one week. The token “stacked” team has eight experienced pitchers.
4. So far there has been a lot of cheating. In the first two games, the stacked team used an illegal bat (a softball bat — larger sweet spot and larger barrel) and two illegal pitchers (too old). They don’t have to cheat against our team to win. They just have show up.
5. We are by far the weakest team in the league. I’ll be surprised if we win a single game.
6. The father of one of our players was arrested for downloading child pornography. He’s lookin’ at 10 years of prison time. The neat part? He’s out on bail right now and he likes to show up at the games. That kind of puts a damper our team’s cheering section.

The user admin pages for Blogger are down…that means millhousethecat wasn’t able to post this morning. Boy is she pissed.

However, you can clearly see that I’m able to post.

Sincerely,

A reliable blogger

I had to visit the ENT doctor again.

This visit was much less painful. No deep probing this time. Just a quick look at my nose again.

In the “I-shit-you-not” category:

doctor:	“You know, the problem isn’t with your nose.”
He surface probed my nose with a very bright flashlight
me:	“OK, what’s the problem?”
doctor:	“It’s your tongue. It’s unusually large. When you sleep, it flops back and obstructs your airway. If we just cut your tongue out, you wouldn’t have a problem.”
me (in my head):	“OK. That’s something most people can joke about…but not a surgeon.”
me:	“My wife would like that.”
The silent nurse gave me an awkward glance.
doctor:	“You know, I have this idea. I know it would work, I just don’t have a way of making it happen. If you stick your tongue in front of your bottom teeth like this…”
He then demonstrated the tongue placement, until it appeared as though he was packing chewing tobacco between his lip and gum.
doctor:	“You thee? Ith you thtick it out there, it won’t obthruct your airway.”
me:	“That…doesn’t seem…realistic.”
doctor:	“This is my idea. You know how you can get a tiny hole pierced in the tip of your tongue? Kids these days are doing it all the time.”
me (in my head):	“Oh. Then it must be a good idea.”
doctor:	“I’d install a tiny hook below your front teeth. At night, you’d hitch your pierced tongue to the hook. Thith will keep your tongue outh of the way.”
me (in my head):	“…Just say something…that way you can get out of here faster…”
me:	“…Did you patent your idea?”
doctor:	“No. I don’t have the time or the means.”
me (in my head):	“Yeah…you’re spending too much time being crazy.”
me:	“Good luck with that.”

Yesterday I bought a HyperDog. This thing is well worth the money. As the name implies, it’s designed to be a dog toy, but I’m not using that way. Are you surprised?Currently, I am the favorite parent. The kids absolutely love this thing. It’s capable of launching a tennis ball at an incredible high velocity. Because it doesn’t put any spin on the ball, every shot is like a knuckle-ball. As the ball screams along at 600fps, it has a weird random movement. When I first saw it, I couldn’t believe my eyes.

My oldest son is delighted. I’m finally able to help him practice his fielding at a level he finds challenging without killing my shoulder. I have to say I was pretty impressed. “Hit me dad” he said as he patted his hand on his chest. “Are you sure?” I said…mostly for liability/insurance reasons. “Yeah. Come on. Hit me.” he said as he stood in the ready position. I drew back as far as I could pull and released a line drive to his head. The ball hurled toward him giving him very little time to react. I held my breath, as he unflinchingly gloved the ball threw it back to me. Cool. “Awesome Dad. Hit me again. This time make it a grounder.” I could do this all day. “Dad, you could do this all day.”

The nice feature: The kids can’t use it. Their arms aren’t long enough to get any kind of power out of it. Now I don’t have to worry that my son will try to hunt his little sister.

Editor’s Note: Day four of posting every day. I’m experiencing blurred vision and frequent headaches. Must…keep…going. I can do this.

Skinny and I have been hooked on Sheetz’s MTO for years. For a geek, the service is near perfection:

• no eye contact required
• no speaking required
• cool touch-screen computer used to place order
• no order ambiguity
• chicks stare in amazement as you quickly navigate the order interface

It appears Red Robin has been working to remove the human component from their dining experience as well. Sweet Tea just told me about Red Robin’s Burger Customizer. It’s much like MTO, only flashier. You use the power of the interweb to customize your burger while sitting in the privacy of your own home naked from the waist down. When you’re finished, you can printed it out and hand it to a server (a person, not a computer) at Red Robin.

I can’t wait to try it. I bet I can complete an entire Red Robin dining transaction without uttering a single word to the help.

Technology Rules!

This just in: Scientists are now using religion to forecast severe weather patterns.

This site has proven to be extremely valuable to the weather forecasting community.

Christians are best for predicting the location of tornadoes and while Baptists are use to predict the location of hurricanes.

With the use of this site and a little prayer, maybe they’ll be able to achieve a success rate of 20% or more.

Godspeed.

Grande? I changed the layout. No comments? It’s narrower now.

I have to so say this is a first for me. I’ve never been too wide for anyone.

Now you can view it on your cellphone.

You’re welcome.

Just another chapter in the never ending snoring saga.

I visited an Ear Nose & Throat doctor to see if there is any way they can increase the airflow through my nose and throat, thus rendering the awesome CCRAP useless.

The doctor sprayed something in my nose and then left me alone with a tissue for 5 minutes. This disgusting spray is used to “open you up so we can see what’s going on in there.” As I waited I didn’t really think about what he might have meant.

He returned with a nurse, but made like she wasn’t there. I wondered why she was there. I stared at her, thinking that might help. I was hoping she might look at me and give me some indication, like “I’m here to mop up the blood/mucus/vomit after the doctor is finished with you.” I got nothin’. To make matters worse, she was holding something behind her back. I started to get a sinking feeling.

The doctor nodded to the nurse and she finally revealed what she was hiding. She handed a the doctor a black shiny cylinder that was about the size of a flashlight. A 12″ long, 1/4″ diameter black flexible tube extended from the bottom of the device. Yup, something bad was about to happen. He moved in for the kill. Read the rest of this entry �

It was Opening Day for our local Little League baseball teams. A player from the very first White C****e sponsored team, who is now an upstanding member of White C****e himself, was there to accept a plaque on behalf of the “Men’s Club.” Why? The league wanted to honor them for lynching minorities sponsoring local Little League teams since the league was established in 1947. Yey. They even let him throw the first pitch. This story will not die.

In related news: A reliable source/friend gave me some information. She actually knew two members of the “Men’s Club.” She told me that they are in fact white supremacists and enjoy the occasional cross burning.